


Punch Drunk

by K_G



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Blackrom, M/M, Post-Game, Tumblr Prompt, pitch crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-17
Updated: 2015-03-17
Packaged: 2018-03-18 07:15:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3560894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K_G/pseuds/K_G
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dirk decides to imbibe a bit of liquid courage at a party and proceeds to accidentally confess his hatred for his sprite, before knocking himself out. Arquius takes him home and puts a cold compress on his head. Everything turns out better than expected. Sort of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Punch Drunk

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: I drunkenly tried to fight you and knocked myself out but you were kind enough to take care of me till I woke up/I was imitating a fight scene off this anime I watched and accidentally hit you in the face.

In retrospect, drinking an entire bottle of alchemized knock-off Southern Comfort was not the best idea he had ever had.   
  
He felt like he had been kicked in the back of the head by a horse, but since he was still breathing he doubted that was the case. In fact, that association was ridiculous and Dirk could not for the life of him figure out why that was the first mental image that had come to mind.   
  
That is, until he eased himself up into a sit and opened his eyes.   
  
“Hello.”  
  
He blinked, trying to figure out what was wrong with his vision, why all he could see was red and white. Leaning back, the world came into focus. He immediately wished it hadn’t. 

  
“I am going to give you five seconds to explain why you were hovering over me while I was sleeping.” The words came out pretty much even, despite the fact his heart was hammering like he’d just been in a serious strife. “And in the interim, I’m going to just sidle over here, because you reek dude.” 

“How extremely impolite of you, Dirk. After the shameful display of last night, it would probably behoove you to be a little less fu-uuuuuuuuu-kakakak-ing unpleasant toward your generous benefactor, or people might get ideas.”

  
The tinny screeching interference that had rung out when his douche of a sprite tried to curse had set his hair on end. 

  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he replied in a rush, and then felt his stomach churn. What had he done last night? And why the fuck did he do it anywhere near that asshole, of all the ones he knew?

  
“Oh, you don’t?” An unnerving grin spread across the sprite’s face. “Well it is a good thing that I recorded the whole bust-up for posterity, isn't it?” Arquius floated closer, the tip of his tail flicking back and forth. Dirk could feel his mouth down-turning, and his forehead beaded with sweat. 

  
There were veins pulsing in that tail. 

  
Shit was unnatural, yo.

  
He felt trapped, and pressed back further into the couch to avoid making any physical contact with Arquius or his sweat slicked skin. The sprite hadn't made any move to keep him where he was, or done anything outside of his normal creepy territory, but Dirk had a deep sense of foreboding. His ears were burning with mortification, and he wasn't sure why. 

  
“Of course you do,” he said, trying to buy time to think. “Considering one half of you is a voyeuristic sweat elemental and the other is a sadistic piece of shit dedicated to ruining my life, this is a development that comes as a stunning revelation to absolutely no-one.” He warmed into his subject, lacing his voice with disdain. “What, are you going to show it around to my friends, try to get them laughing at my expense? That’s pathetic, even for you. If you’re going to insist on being a colossal dick at every opportunity, can you at least be creative with it? Shit, since part of you came from my brain, that piss-poor attempt will do more to discredit me than anything you managed to get on tape.” 

  
“Those sure are some STRONG feelings you are expressing there, baron broseph. I get that you are a tad cranky because you got a little ouchie on your lood-icrously fragile excuse for a human thinkpan, but you don’t want to say anything you’ll regret later.” 

  
In retrospect, not stopping to wonder why Arquius’s grin was only getting wider as he spoke was not the best idea he had ever had. 

  
“Please, the only thing I’m regretting is that you didn't explode like those other sprites. Sure would have saved me the trouble of having to wade through the moat of horseshit that is conversing with you.”

  
“Ohhhh my,” Arquius drawled, his cheeks tinted orange and his tail continuing to twitch. Something about the way he said it set off alarm bells in the back of Dirk’s mind, and the human frowned. “I think someone needs a glass of milk to cool off with.” He muttered something else, that sounded a bit like: “And I need a towel.”

  
“What? No, I don’t want any-“ Dirk stopped, a notification marker appearing on his shades. While he stared at the blinking red symbol, the sprite floated away out of view. 

  
Before giving the command to open the message -because he knew exactly what it was and he knew that he was in no way ready to face the music yet - Dirk looked around to try and figure out where the hell he was. It did not take long to establish that he was sat on his bed in his apartment. His frown deepened, because he was pretty sure he had been at some kind of social gathering the day before. Was it at the Harleybert household? Might have been. 

  
His head hurt. 

  
He could hear his home invader shuffling around what passed for his kitchen, opening and closing cupboards in pursuit of milk, and shuddered. Maybe he should just open the thing, get it over with. Whatever would lead to Arquius getting out of his personal space as soon as possible. 

  
Gritting his teeth, he pulled up the video file. 

  
The blood drained from Dirk’s face, and his whole body swayed, flirting with the idea of returning to unconsciousness. 

  
_“Dirk. It appears as though you have consumed a, pardon my language, metric heckton of alcohol. As your friend and spirit guide, I can only suggest seeking out a relatively flat surface to lay down on. I suppose lying face down on Ms. Harley’s lawn does fulfil that criteria, but it is inadvisable for your health. Didn’t you just get over a f-uuuuh-aaaaAACK-ing nasty cold?”_

_  
Dirk could see himself through the sprite’s eyes, his limp body covered in evening dew and his hair in complete disarray. The empty bottle lay in fragments a few feet away from him, indicating he’d thrown it at some point. There was muffled music playing, and faint laughter. He looked pathetic._

_  
“Go away.”_

__  
Arquius moved forward, Dirk watched as he extended a hand.  
“I’m just trying to help you out here bro, trust me you’ll appreciate it later. Come on now, let me just put my tremendous STRENGTH to use and pick you up, and then-“

_  
Dirk pushed himself up to glare balefully over his shades at the sprite. There were blades of grass stuck to the glass._

_  
“I told you to go away, so fucking do it already.”_

_  
“Dirk. D. D-Stri. Such hostility isn’t necessary. I have your best interest in mind here. I can understand your reluctance, but I promise I’ll be gentle. Wouldn’t want to bruise your delicate human skin now, would I?”_

_  
Arquius floated down until he was at eye level with his player, and cautiously placed the extended hand on Dirk’s shoulder. The human reacted like he’d been violently burned, slapping the hand away and scooting back with a snarl. He looked like a frightened animal._

_  
“If you try and touch me again, I’ll fucking kill you.”_

_  
“Woah. Hold up there, you’re taking this a bit far now aren’t you? A part of me is increasingly concerned by your actions, sir bruh. I do not like it. Please cease.”_

_Dirk lurched to his feet, cheeks flushed from rage and drink, fists clenched. He took four steps forward, closing the distance between human and sprite._

_  
“Shut up. I hate you.  I don’t want you in my life!”_

_  
“Dirk, are you alri-“_

_  
And then Dirk’s face was very much in Arquius’s face, and the sprite squawked. Dirk was kissing him, sloppy and rough but undeniably earnest. Arquius’s hands hovered, uncertain where to rest, before slowly settling on the human’s shoulders._

_  
At the touch, Dirk pushed back, his shades askew and eyes wide and frantic. He screamed an attack name from that show he’d finished last month, and jumped at the sprite with his fists outstretched. The blow grazed Arquius’s face, and Dirk landed awkwardly. His feet skidded on the dew-slick lawn, before he lost his balance and slipped backward._

_  
“Dirk!”_

_  
_ The recording ended.

  
Dirk lowered his head into his hands.

  
He stayed that way until he felt a tap on his shoulder, and accepted the glass of milk suspended in the air in front of his head. It was cold, and grounding, and it took a lot of effort not to throw it at his sprite. 

  
“I don’t think there’s any need to share that footage around.” The bed depressed as Arquius took a seat next to him. There was a heavy pause, laden with words that neither of them wanted to give voice too. “I finally got you to touch my darn muscles.”  

  
“I hate you.” Dirk mumbled into the glass, and Arquius choked out a laugh.

    
“Apparently so. I shouldn’t be surprised I suppose, I am quite the stud, am I not? How could you hope to resist such a magnificent specimen as myself, superior in both body and mind! It was neigh inevitable that your bitterness would curdle into true hate sooner or later. In fact according to my calculations that I ran just now, and that are totally accurate and legitimate in every way, there was a ninety nine point eight-one recurring chance of this being a development in our relationship. I mean, check me out bro. Have you seen me? I’ve seen me and oh my, even I hate myself! Why, I cantermagine –“

  
“Arquius.” Dirk looked up, effectively cutting off the other’s babbling. “Shut up.”

    
Dirk drank until the glass was half empty, and then extended it to the sprite. Arquius’s whole face was vividly orange, and Dirk rolled his eyes.

  
“You’re a bigger mess than I am.”

  
“I don’t know about that. You’re pretty screwed up. Not surprising, since you’re human.”

  
“You have a milk moustache going on there, bro. Better watch out, or Crocker will be swooning over you.” Dirk felt the tension slowly easing from his body, and a ghost of a smirk appeared on his face. 

  
“Oh bother. As lovely as Jane is, that would be highly inappropriate.” Dirk felt eyes weighing him up behind cracked glass for a moment. “Could you possibly…fetch me a towel?”

  
“Nah.” The human leant over, using his thumb to clear the sprite of excess cow juice. “Don’t feel like getting up.”

  
“You did hit your head quite hard. Honestly I was ashamed for you, that bumbling display was extremely difficult to watch.”

  
“Fuck you.”

  
“How crude of you. At least take me out to dinner first, dude.” 

   
Dirk groaned and fell back onto the bed. “I hate you,” he said again.

  
“Believe me, the feeling is mutual.”

  
“…You’re buying it.”

  
“Buying what?”

  
“Dinner.”

  
“Oh.”


End file.
